Pretend
by pamy
Summary: It should be easy to pretend. It isn't. Veronica Mars POV. One shot. Please review;


**THis is from Veronica's POV. Mainly about all the things that happened to her. **

**oh yeah. Don't own Veronica Mars. **

**Please review**

* * *

You never think about it.

At least that's what you try. It's easier for you to forget because you can't remember. It's easier for you to forget because nobody shaved your hair of. You try not to remember that night. There is nothing to remember anyway. It should be easy to forget.

But you can't forget it. You can't stop thinking about it.

It should be easy to pretend. Easy to pretend it never happened. After all you don't remember. Just pretend that it was Duncan. You can hold onto him. He was there. You had him. Pretend he was the only one. That nobody else took advantage of you. That nobody destroyed you.

It should be easy to pretend. But it isn't.

* * *

You are broken

You know this. They broke you. You try not to think of it but it's truth. You can't be repaired. You have broken into so many pieces it's impossible to glue them together. You don't know what is worse. Lilly's dead started the breaking process. You know that it's Logan that truly broke you. And Cassidy that just gave the final push.

You wonder if it really matters. The result is the same.

Sometimes you think about him. When you stood on that roof all you saw was the monster. The monster that took your innocence. The monster that killed your friends. The monster that tried to kill you. The monster that killed your father.

You never saw anything else.

But it's a couple of days later that you realize. The difference. Aaron Echolls was a monster. But Cassidy Casablancas was a victim. Woody's victim. And had somebody seen that he was hurt nothing had ever happened. She knew that difference. It didn't change what he did. It didn't mean he had the right to break her. It didn't mean he had the right to kill them. But it does tell you something.

You are broken. But so was he.

* * *

You try no to think about it.

You try not to think of all the things that happened. You try to forget the horrible nightmares. But it's when Madison tells you about her and Logan that everything comes back. You were innocent. You didn't deserve this.

You try not to think about it. But you can't help but remember.

_You stand in the hallway. Duncan comes up behind you. You turn around but he just keeps walking. Pretends you don't exist. _

Knowing why something happened didn't take away the feeling. It didn't take away the breaking heart. The feeling that at the moment you thought was the worst in the world.

_You run to were your father is. And there she is. Lilly. Dead. The lilly that you knew was so full of life. But now she is dead. Broken and dead on the ground. You feel your father's arms but you don't really know he's there. _

That was the worst feeling. Everything that came after it was just more blows. If Lilly had lived you could have all taken it. But she didn't. Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever feel happy again.

_You look as the person you once considered one of your best friends turns away from you. You ignore the rumors that fly around. The whispers all around you. You sit alone. You pretend you don't notice nobody talks to you. _

And it hurt. You could have handled it. You would have been better. You would have been able to get past Lilly's murder. If you had only had your friends. Sometimes you hate your father. For doing what he did. But you could never turn away from him. You love him. Sometimes you hate Logan. For ever thinking she had to choose. For ever thinking there was a choice.

_You know there is something wrong. But you don't know what it is. Everything is a blur. You can't walk a straight line anymore. You sink down on one of the chairs. The world is dark afterwards. You wake up alone in the morning. You hurt. Your panties are on the floor. And you try not to cry. _

Sometimes you wonder what would have happened if you had told your fathe. If somebody had found you there. If the sheriff hadn't laughed with you. Would they have found out about Beaver? Probably. After all it would have shown that she had Chlamydia. And Duncan didn't. In the beginning you used to wonder what would have happened had Logan never given the GHB to Duncan. Now you are grateful for it. At least you have Duncan (even if you can't remember it) Beaver stole your innocence. But there was always Duncan.

'_Because you're my sister! And I knew it. Even after my mother told me I tried to just cut you out of my live, I loved you, I loved you. I tried not to but it won't go away!' The words hit you hard. It's not the first time you hear it. But it is the first time he tells you. Your heart breaks. Because you know you love him to. You start to cry. You see he's crying to. You feel a presence and you see Celeste. And for the first time you see pain in her eyes. And pity. Pity for you and Duncan. She never wanted this to happen. You don't know what to do. SO you run away. _

You try not to think of it. But you can't help but remember.

* * *

A part of you wants him to lie.

You don't want to hear the truth. You don't want to. You want him to tell you he never touched Madison. That he never cared for her. You want him to lie. But he doesn't. You would have found out anyway. And he looks at you with pleading eyes.

He wants you to forgive him. A part of you wants that to. But you can't.

There is only so much one person can take. Only so much tragedy. So much pain. You look at him and you remember. You remember the friend that used Lilly's memory against you. You remember the friend ignoring you. You know about the salt lick and the GHB. You remember him taking out your headlights. You remember everything he has done.

And you know. You can never forgive him. Even if you would want to.

You can be his friends. Perhaps. But you can't forgive him. You can't go back. There is only so much one person can do to you. Only so much you should let them do. And you wonder if perhaps he didn't cross that line a long time ago.

A part of you wants him to lie. But you need the truth. You need it to live.

* * *

You never think about it.

You don't think about everything that happened. You try to focus on the future. You try to forget that the boy you love is gone. You try to forget your best friend is that. That your boyfriend did this. That somebody stole your innocence. You try to forget. You try to pretend.

It should be easy to pretend. It isn't.


End file.
